Tag Archives: living alone

A Change of Heart

Posted on November 4, 2013 | 3 comments

Heart

 “They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate countless worlds, and we fall back. Not again! Not this time. The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther! And I will make them pay for what they have done!” 

The quote is from Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Start Trek: First Contact. And me–in my head.

I’ve been stressing lately over the bullying of my friend Margaret, preparing for a battle that seemed winnable but not without casualties. On an internal level, I’ve been meditating, visualizing, and spreading the light for a peaceful resolution. On a rational level, I’ve been promoting a stance of “hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” On a gut level, I let my past override all of my peaceful thoughts and reverted to living in fear. I’d been there, done that and I carry the scars of the bad guys’ wins. I guess that’s why it’s easy for me to shift into defensive mode, but I know that I can’t let my fear consume me. In the midst of my stress, change occurred.

I’ve found that subtle shifts can be surprising. Have you ever noticed that? You find yourself embroiled in some seemingly untenable situation, gird your loins for battle, lock and load your cache of snide and witty comebacks, and walk into the fray loaded for bear only to find Hello Kitty waiting to greet you.

It’s surprising. It’s shocking. It’s disconcerting to say the least after all of the tedious preparations and hard work. You’ve rehearsed exactly what you’re going to say (if he says this, I’ll say that; if she does this, I’ll do that); you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are about to meet Godzilla in the flesh and the battle will be to the death–or at the least  to total annihilation on an emotional level. “I will go down fighting!” becomes your mantra echoed by “I can do this!” You are psyched and ready to go to war for your rights and your dignity. Shields up! Set phasers to stun!

And then all of that flies right out the window when you’re greeted not by your mortal enemy but by a kitten with a smile and the shocking words, “Good morning! How can I help you ?”

Crap! Now what? I hadn’t prepared myself for this! Niceness is what I’d secretly hoped for, prayed for, wished for while doing my deep-breathing exercises to relieve the stress in my heart and gut. This is what I’ve wanted all along: civil communication. Margaret and I crossed the battle lines on Friday and were treated with respect and kindness. We came away with a renewed sense of peace and calm.

Apparently, there’s been a change of heart for those people who were determined to make Margaret’s life a living hell, for the people who have bullied and taunted and spread rumors about her for over a year. I don’t know how it happened or when or where or why. But like me, I suspect there are several other people involved in this debacle who are experiencing the same sense of relief I’m feeling. It’s very hard to live a happy life, to maintain thoughts of peace and joy while carrying a big stick. It’s exhausting, actually. Somewhere, someone has decided to lay down the stick, walk away from the battle, and try to live in peace.

The fight to end the bullying may be over for now and as hard as it’s been to deal with,  I’ve been reminded of a few valuable lessons:

  • Standing up for others is always the right thing to do.
  • Peaceful resolutions can happen–even when you least expect them.
  • Finding peace within me sometimes requires conquering old fears by allowing myself to feel the anger and move through and past it.
  • The desire to be “all in” regardless of my fears is sometimes enough to create a shift in me, in my heart and in my own beliefs.

I’m not sure how this works in others or if I’ll ever know what caused the shift, but there has obviously been a change of heart. At least for now. At least for today. My own heart has opened in gratitude for a battle unfought. I am thankful for this day.

I pray it lasts.

 

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Alone in a Crowded Room

Posted on July 3, 2013 | Leave a comment

alone in a crowded room

Most days, it takes a lot to blast me out of my cave. Family events will do it because they’re few and far between; running out of coffee will do it (that’s a given!); a new movie will do it if the movie falls within a finite range of interest (sci-fi, zombies, super heroes, and Tom Hanks); and benefits (or favors) for friends. That’s about it.

A Gathering of Angels: Sunday Funday for Annette!

This past weekend, after the Big Reveal, after the Ocean Pond Clubhouse adventure, I attended a cancer-fund-raising-event for a friend. Annette is an awesome woman, a fighter, a kick-ass warrior who normally plows right through life with a vengeance. Several months ago, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Calling in the angels, her friends and family began working together to raise money to help pay for Annette’s medical treatment. As a waitress, Annette works without the handy perk of medical insurance, much like everyone else I know in this part of the country. To add insult to injury, her treatment involves the need for a shot, one shot, that costs $6,000 per injection. I can’t even begin to imagine what miracle drug must be in that syringe that would warrant a $6,000 price tag, but the doctors say that this is her chance for recovery. Annette’s tumors are shrinking. She looks great despite everything she’s going through, and she has the support of friends and family and a community that has accepted her with open arms.

I stood on the periphery during the event, wandering from the bar inside to the patio out back trying to engage in conversation with people I see at my brother’s gigs, friends of Annette’s, friends of friends, acquaintances, even strangers who have gathered for a common cause. I’m not good at small talk. I’m not really comfortable in crowds. I can’t say that I’d rather I’d stayed home because I wanted to be there for Annette, for my brother who’d helped organize the event and was playing under a leaky tent in pouring rain through thunder and lightning, for his girlfriend Barb (Annette’s sister and a longtime family friend). I wanted to be there in the mix, adding my positive energy to the flowing glow of love that swirled around me. But I still felt like an interloper standing on the fringe of the party not knowing how to engage.

Why is that? I often wonder what it is that makes me so uncomfortable. Have I spent so much time alone that I’ve lost my social skills? I don’t think so. I’ve never had the desire to hang out with the crowd, to be one of the guys, to join the team. Even as a child, I was a loner. I had friends but I was happier one-on-one. My brothers are the same way. We are quiet, introspective people, alone but never lonely. I think it runs in the family.

Family–when you least expect it!

After forty years, I reconnected with a cousin at the event. He’d made contact with my brother a couple of years ago and come up from south Florida to support Annette. He immediately reminded me of my brothers with his calm, happy demeanor. He is gentle and kind and quiet. I watched him move through the crowd like me, a part of it but separate. I admit, I don’t really know my cousin well after our short time together but I felt a kindred spirit gazing back at me, a person happy to observe, to support, and to stand on the sidelines, happy to be alone in a crowded room. Maybe he’s even a cave dweller like me. I hope to get to know him better and find out.

 Just for Fun!

A black labrador dog is decorated for a Fourth of July Picnic

There is no way in the world I would be able to get my look-alike black lab Bella to stand still long enough to attach a holiday bow but I thought this photo (from Pinterest) was appropriate for how I’ll be spending my 4th of July. I hope you have a safe and happy holiday! See you soon!

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World War Z: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Cave!

Posted on July 2, 2013 | Leave a comment

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If you read yesterday’s post, A Cave After My Own Heart, you know that one of the highlights of my visit with family this past weekend was the opportunity to explore the 109 year old Ocean Pond Clubhouse. It’s a beautiful place situated seemingly out in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by an alligator and snake infested swamp. Very picturesque. Now, imagine the creaking, creeping sounds generated by an old wood-frame house buffeted by wind and rain, all of the attendant shadows from dimmed lamps, animal skulls, and an intermittent moon layered over the after-images of a horror movie flickering on the insides of your eyelids. And not just any movie, a zombie movie! World War Z!

A sweet afternoon party–punctuated by fear and popcorn

I think I’ve mentioned before that my youngest daughter is a zombie freak. She is both terrified and fascinated by the idea of a zombie apocalypse. So, for her birthday, after the big reveal that we are actually going to Scotland rather than Tahiti in July, after the conferring on her the title of Lady of Glencoe by a tall, good-looking Scotsman in full kilted regalia, with sword and sash no less, we went to the movies to watch zombies take over the world. Once again–YIKES!

For once, I am very happy that the movie is, so far as I’ve read, nothing like the book. I’m only about a third of way through and I’ve yet to encounter the thread that ties to the movie beyond the fact that these are, indeed, very fast moving undead. Or walking dead. Or the reanimated. Call them what you will, they are extremely creepy, resourceful, and although not Walking-Dead-gory, scary as hell.

If you haven’t seen World War Z, I’ll try not to spoil it for you. Besides, if you’ve seen the movie trailer, you’ve pretty much seen the movie as there are very few remaining surprises. (Don’t you hate that?) I knew when to cover my eyes, when to look away from the screen, but for this movie, I wish I’d thought about ear plugs. During what could have been the goriest of scenes, the camera tended to focus away from the action, but the sound effects were explicitly clear, emphasizing the gnashing of teeth and the snap of the bite.

BOOM!

The first inkling of trouble comes with a boom off in the distance, sounding much like the M-80s the kids down the street from me have been setting off in anticipation of the upcoming holiday. The noise sets my dogs to barking and sends chills up my spine. I know, it was only a movie, but the aural sensation, even without the visual, is spectacularly jarring.

Back at Ocean Pond, in the big old house with a million windows and creaking wood floors, each sound exacerbated a sense of doom. Forget ghostly specters; forget crazed ax murders. That scraping noise, that clawing sound? That backfire out on the highway? That could only be one thing: they’re here! Zombies! Which makes my next present for my daughter a no-brainer (pun intended).

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Are you a movie fan? If so, take the poll and let me know what you think.

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Time on My Hands

Posted on June 13, 2013 | Leave a comment

Whaterver Clock with hand 01

This is strange for a weekday, for a Thursday. Today, I have a little time on my hands. Not a lot, but enough to feel like I can actually take a breath without feeling guilty. 

Most days, I have a million things on my to-do list. Granted, my list is self-imposed, but I try very hard to stay on task, to accomplish enough that at the end of the day, I can say to myself, “Good job! You had a productive day!” Most days, I’m working on several projects at once, mostly books in various stages of production: writing, editing, proofing, formatting, marketing, crying, sobbing, pulling out my hair–not in any particular order.

Coffee!

Today, I’m taking a break from the usual whip-cracking pace I set for myself. Today, I’m walking casually from my office to the coffee pot in the kitchen, savoring the aroma of the coffee as I fill my cup. I may even take a moment to gaze out into the backyard at the freshly mown lawn before heading back to my desk. I may even eat breakfast sitting down rather than hunched over a bowl of Rice Chex at the kitchen counter. Make that lunch. I’ve already skipped right through breakfast as I’ve contemplated what to do with my day.

Stay away from Pinterest!

Of course I could always spend my time backlogging blogs or cruising for media. Or visit Twitterland and see what my writer buddies are up to.  I would say I could visit Pinterest to see if there are any cool pins but there’s a yellow post-it on my monitor reminding me to stay away. (I got caught in a time warp in the Geek section of Pinterest a couple of weeks ago and lost two whole hours! That place is addictive!)

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In my ramblings around the internet at 6 this morning, I found this cartoon. I swear, this looks like my living room, dumbbells, books and all. This is pretty much how I feel at the moment, too, wondering what to do with myself now that I feel caught up and I’m between crises.

Well, I think my free time is about up. It’s been a quiet day so far. No major breaking news stories, no urgent messages from family or friends. I think I’ll have another cup of coffee and enjoy these last few minutes before I head back into my day. I hope you’re having a quiet, pleasant Thursday.  Thanks for stopping by. And don’t forget to take today’s poll!

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Man of Steel: Ultimate Cave Dweller?

Posted on June 12, 2013 | Leave a comment

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Superman played a big part in my childhood. My brothers and I watched in black and white and were enthralled no matter how many fake walls George Reeves smashed through to rescue Lois and Jimmy.  The effects were definitely low-tech, but the stories were exciting. Every kid in our neighborhood donned a safety pinned towel as a cape at one point or another (and some for a lot longer than might have been appropriate, but that’s another story). Despite being a girl and a writer at heart, Jimmy Olsen– in all his journalistic glory–held no fascination for me. Neither did Lois Lane. I wanted to be Superman, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and beat the crap out of the bad guys. Years later, I felt sad reading about Reeves’ suicide. I was shocked that Superman could die so tragically–and alone.

Christopher Reeve is Superman

Christopher Reeve took up the mantle next, in my world anyway. There were others before him, but it was the 1978 movie version that next caught my attention. Even way back then, it seemed strange to me that such a man would live on the periphery of society, alone, preferring his Fortress of Solitude to life in the big city. I understood it, I wanted one of those, but it still seemed odd. I guess I was sorting out my own Cave Dweller tendencies in an era when clubbing was the thing to do. 

A Man Apart

Superman seems to me the ultimate Cave Dweller, a man alone and apart from not only his own race but from the inhabitants of his adopted planet. Mark Dykeman in an article in Psychology (12/2/07) called him a “metaphorical introvert”:

Getting away from the physical world and getting closer to inner thoughts and feelings gives us strength. That kind of mental stimulation gives introverts our inner power and strength. It’s like tapping directly into the power of the sun. Superman was famous for having built a Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic, a place that only he could find and enter. Guests were generally not permitted in the Fortress. It was his place to unwind, relax, and get away from it all, kind of like a teenager’s bedroom, only much bigger and filled with even cooler stuff. Read more

Sound familiar? Maybe Ice Cave Dweller would be more accurate.

Tom Welling’s Superman in Smallville spent very little time with people despite having quite a few friends. Seems like every time I tuned in, he was out in the barn tinkering with this or that. I liked Welling’s Superman. He had all the earmarks of a truly great Cave Dweller: intelligent, crafty, fast-thinking, tough and compassionate–and alone. And I liked that we got to see his loving and supportive parents, an important but short-lived aspect in the earlier movies.

Superman 02

I’m anxious to see what this next incarnation of Superman will reveal about the cave dwelling tendencies of the coolest of super heroes. I’ve purposely not read much about it so that I’ll be pleasantly surprised–or not– when I go to see it this weekend.  Two more days and I’ll be slinking my way to the back row of the theater, armed with popcorn, Good n Plenty, and high hopes for a great movie.

Just for fun!

waiting for superpowers

 

It’s been my experience that the older you get, the better your powers of invisibility.  

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Are Cave Dwellers Introverts?

Posted on June 11, 2013 | 2 comments

goldfish jumping out of the water

As you know by now, I’ve been spending my time lately exploring what it means to be a Cave Dweller. I keep bumping up against the word introvert which is not surprising given the perceived concept of  cave dwelling as living a hermitic lifestyle. For me, the word extrovert means someone who throws themselves out there–in public and on the internet–with joyful abandon, and (perhaps) loudly. So what does it mean to be the opposite? Does that make me an introvert? In general, are Cave Dwellers introverts?

Does Quiet = Shy = Introvert?

For this post, I’m going to answer my own question right off the bat: NO! I do not believe Cave Dwellers are introverts (and I hope my use of caps and bold displays the vehemence with which I respond–loudly). Anyone who doesn’t take part in the shenanigans of others pretty much in any given circumstance is in danger of being labeled an introvert. I’ve been called an introvert my entire life although the truth is that I am anything but except in certain social situations. I don’t like parties with people I don’t know; I am not a free-floating gabber at business functions. Does that make me shy? Not necessarily. I consider myself judicious, choosing with whom I connect for idle chatter and playful banter. I’m not a snob either, but there is something about standing in a crowd, drink in hand, listening to chit-chat that sets my nerves on edge. 

Merriam-Webster is a B****!

Looking a word up in the dictionary feels very fourth grade to me, not to impugn fourth graders, but it seems to me that as a society, we often allow the definition of a word to inform our beliefs about others. The word introvert seems to have very negative connotations which leads to very negative connotations out in the real world. Take the Merriam Webster definition of introvert for example: one whose personality is characterized by introversion; broadly : a reserved or shy person. Now let’s look at synonyms:  shrinking violet, wallflower;  related words: mouse, cold fish, iceberg, icicle; and finally, words that rhyme: ambivert, bladderwort, bloody shirt, butterwort, controvert, disconcert, extrovert, feverwort, inexpert, and hobble skirt. (What?) Get my point?

I took a personality test a few years ago and the results were exactly as I expected: competent introvert. I was informed that I had great leadership potential but on the down side, I was thoughtful, reticent, and way too shy. The expert’s recommendation? Become a social drinker. Get out there, hang around in bars, learn to open up to people. (This was the 90s. People said things like this back then.) I think that’s when the interior of my cave became even more appealing than ever before. What is it about being thoughtful and reticent that unnerves people? What does our old pal Merriam say about reticent? Restrained, uncommunicative, silent. Yep, a little negative: “The panel decided to investigate the fraud charges against the company, which has always been reticent about its internal operations.” Bitch! (And I say that in a loving, quiet, shy way.)

A Rose by any other Name . . .

In my ramblings around the internet looking for positive thoughts on cave dwelling, I came across this blog from Exploring Pixie. She has a couple very cool links, too, if you’re interested in the coolness of us. I’m not sure what to call us. Cave Dweller works for me personally. It sums up in a very precise way what it means to be me, a quiet, thoughtful person who chooses to live on the periphery of society, watching, thinking, ready to offer support, assistance, and guidance when necessary. I prefer to glide in on silent wings to take part in life rather than bulldoze my way through the crowd. I’m comfortable in my cave, doing my thing, living my quiet life.

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How about you? Are you an introvert? A Cave Dweller? Leave me a comment! I’d love to hear from you. And don’t forget to take today’s poll!

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Welcome!

Posted on June 4, 2013 | 1 comment

Living as a non-social being in a social world can be very uncomfortable–and frustrating. My name is Colleen and I am a Cave Dweller. 

What?!?

What is a Cave Dweller? I define myself as a person who is caring, giving, loving, open, kind, and generous but who does not view being social as a just-for-fun activity or a contact sport. It’s as simple as that. I am an introvert, which does not mean that I am shy or socially inept. It simply means that given the opportunity to get out of the house to go a movie with a group of people, 9.75 times out of 10, I will choose to stay home. In my sweats. With a good book. It also means that I don’t mind being alone, eating alone, or living alone–even within the structure of a relationship.

I don’t like to get dressed up and go out. I don’t like to shop in malls or outlet stores. I have to psyche myself up to go to the grocery store and even after changing out of my sweats and into my jeans (and one of six brown t-shirts), it is incredibly easy for me to talk myself out of actually getting into my car and pulling out of the garage–unless I need coffee or coffee creamer or coffee filters. In that case, I’m willing to brave the waving neighbors and the friendly clerk so that I can buy my supplies and hurry back to my cave. 

Cave Dwellers on the Internet

I am a homebody at heart–even on the internet. I’m happy just to hang around my old familiar browser, haunt my favorite websites, check out movies and my horoscope and email my family and friends. Everywhere I turn, I see invitations/demands to like me, tweet me, post a comment, be my friend when all I really want to do is read and play and laugh at funny videos without the pressure of having to be social or share my online experience.

Does this sound familiar?  Are you a Cave Dweller, too?

  • Do you feel like you don’t fit in at gatherings?
  • Do you find yourself alone in your own thoughts in the middle of a crowd?
  • Do you surf the internet, read blogs, or visit social gaming sites but never post?
  • When forced to leave the house, do you find yourself anxious to just get home so you can get into your favorite sweats and shake off the social-interaction requirements of the day?

Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to click on anything or actually answer these questions but I think we might have a lot in common. In fact, I believe that there are many, many people out there just like me for whom cave dwelling is perfectly fine as a way of life. And it is for those people like me that I’d like to create a no-pressure zone, a place where Cave Dwellers can gather and point to things of interest. Funny things. Geeky things. (Although not all Cave Dwellers are geeks and not all geeks are Cave Dwellers.) This is NOT a site for explicit adult material or rude behavior. It is my intention to create a safe zone free of pressure to be liked, where anyone and everyone who feels like they are “other” can find a place to just be. So, take a breath, feel free not to comment, and come back often. I’ll be here, snug in my cave.

Next post: The challenge of finding success from inside the cave. (Yikes)

 

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