Out in the World

Image “borrowed” from FB Unify post.

That’s easier said than done. All of it, the going out into the world, the loving the people you meet, the lighting of a light in others, sounds so easy. But it’s not. It’s not easy at all. 

First, going out means getting dressed which is a lot easier than it used to be, I’ll admit. Nowadays, pulling on a pair of tights and a sweatshirt is perfectly acceptable for grocery shopping, drugstore runs, and vet visits. I can be out in the world in flip flops and a baseball cap, hair scrunched in a messy bun, clean torn jeans, and a funky shirt in a notched down boho kind of style. (Maybe style is too strong a word.) But no matter the clothing comfort level, going out means leaving the house and throwing myself into the maelstrom of life—where I might meet people. 

I don’t want to meet people much less love them. I don’t want to get close enough to risk disappointment in them or me. Meeting people means being open enough to share something of yourself, your name, for instance. I’m perfectly happy to be “that old lady next door,” “that woman with 12 cats,” “that woman in the sage green truck.” If I tell you my name, I’m giving you a piece of me that you can hang on to or use to contact me or stalk me with religious or political propaganda. No, I prefer to love people from afar, like from my window as they deliver my mail, or the window of my truck as they hand over a large coffee with cream only or a banana milkshake or a double cheeseburger. Those people I can love and appreciate. I might even love a stranger in a bookstore who offers a silent thumbs up on a book selection. In that case, I can offer a split-second open heart and a smile but that’s about it. Is that enough to light a light in someone else? Maybe, if that person also has an open heart and willingness to allow a simple smile to light their fire—in a spiritual way. 

I just don’t see myself as that person who is capable of starting a wildfire of love in strangers, whose mission it is in life to venture out into the world with open hearted abandon. I feel much more comfortable and willing to send out the energy of my love in other ways from the safety of my own comfy cave. To all of the other adventurous souls who love to roam outside sharing their love, I salute you and honor you. Fly far little birds. I’ll keep the home fires burning—with love from afar.

What If?

(Here we go again…)

What if your brain’s first function was as a tracking device? What if your brain’s only purpose was to serve as a point of attraction? What if the electromagnetic signals in your brain were designed as a receiver? 

What if life truly is an illusion? What if the combined power of your brain has created an illusionary world so powerful that you’ve lost the ability to make the distinction between reality and illusion? What if it is only the power of your thoughts combined that have created the sense of frustration and confusion that runs rampant in your world? 

What if your physical needs and environmental situation caused your brain to grow and expand beyond its original purpose? What if in your physical expansion your brain was hot-wired, reworked to obscure the brain’s original purpose as a beacon? What if a virus was contracted that created a cloud of confusion, a separation and a loss of your brain’s original purpose? What if your thoughts seem more real than the reality that your brain is actually linked with every other brain, as well as with source, to receive love and abundance? 

What if all of the add-ons could be wiped away and your brain returned to its primary function? What if every thought, idea, and belief could be removed from your brain? What if every worry, frustration, and barrier could be removed from your life? What if the light within you encountered no obstacle, no barrier in shining eternally? What if that light brought you everything you wanted with no restrictions or obligations? What if your only purpose in life is to experience love and the acceptance of your being? 

What if this is the way life was meant to be experienced, if all that we are was finally exposed? It might bring new meaning to the idea of love and light. 

Downloading or Uploading?

Looking Back

Have you ever looked back at something you’ve written—a letter, a journal entry, the beginnings of a story, long or short—and wondered, “Who is that person who wrote this? Where did this come from?” 

Coming back from a recent bout of COVID, trying to get back to myself, I’ve been spending time looking over old journal entries, essays, pages of musings and scraps of writing. It’s funny to me that I don’t remember writing a lot of what I’ve kept in files and journals, a collection of ramblings that seem unfamiliar but nevertheless strike a chord with the me of today.

She walked quietly through her life like a shadow, keeping a low profile, offering a smile and kindness to strangers, love to her children, and support and strength where needed, often without a word, usually with patience, always with restraint, afraid to open her heart and her thoughts, unwilling to disturb the chaos within. If the door opened just a crack, out would slip the wild creature she believed herself to be, that wild haired, laughing soul of ricocheting emotions, uninhabited, uninhibited, running freely into the wind—and more than likely off a cliff. No, she kept her battened down, silent, trapped, barred from life in the sun, anemic, craving, wanting life, a dry corpse tethered to fear. And that was on a good day.

I wrote this passage almost ten years ago in 2015, back before a move to California, way back before my move back to Ohio, but a very long time after my move from Santa Fe. There is nothing autobiographical here, yet I recognize that woman, the one closed off and empty and craving. I think we must all have those moments when we recognize some element of ourselves, good or bad, happy or sad, that resonates and makes us think about the past and the future—or the present. I look back and see a spiral of events and incidents that have moved me forward in time if not in evolution. I think of that line in True Detective: “Time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again,” which is a reference itself to Friedrich Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence, and I wonder if everything I write is a remnant of a former or future self. 

The road was dusty under her feet. She shuffled along, angry, frustrated, willing the hours to fly by and the road to contract somehow, magically perhaps, so that she would find herself closer to home at the end of the day, a day overcast with intermittent rays of sunshine peeking out from behind gray clouds casting shadows behind her eyes, pressure on her sinuses, and a glare that made her eyes water. One fucking foot in front of the other, she recited in mantra-like fashion. The ohms and namastes of her former life had been left at the dusty edge of the desert along with her old beater Prius and the two worn black leather bags that contained the remnants of her life: clean jeans, underwear, two t-shirts, her grandmother’s bible, her mother’s wedding ring, assorted letters, books, and keepsakes, and the last photo of him she’d taken before he left her stranded in New Mexico. He looked dark and brooding in the photo, his eyes flat and hooded, his hair and beard windblown and tangled. They’d been living rough for several weeks, giving nature and their relationship a second chance. She’d been happy enough to live hand to mouth with him in those final days, exploring, hiking, living on the edge of life physically and metaphorically. They had hit their peak and begun the descent into oblivion when he’d simply rolled away leaving the fumes of the Greyhound’s exhaust settling in her lungs. She’d boarded the next bus herself, headed in the opposite direction toward home and had arrived with a broken heart, a damaged spirit, and a shitload of determination to begin her life again. Alone. 

Sometimes it feels as though every day of my life is a crossroads. Forget the fork that turns ever so slightly in a new direction. My choices are hard right, hard left, back or straight ahead. Most days, I choose straight ahead but on days like today, I choose a detour that leads me back. 

Sunset from the Cross of the Martyrs, Santa Fe, New Mexico

What if?

What if Alzheimer’s is a natural human phenomenon? What if, rather than a disease, Alzheimer’s is the natural way our brains are formed to protect us from the gradual loss of familial connection or recognition. In college, I read an article about the reason for the pheromonally induced sense of wonder and awe human’s experience at the sight of a sleeping baby. This is the feeling that keeps us from smothering babies in their sleep as harbingers of sleepless nights, pain, and discomfort. What if, as we grow older, our brains’ mechanism is to loosen the bonds that hold us all clinging together. What if, like the natural rebellion humans go through during the teenage years, we find a way to slip from the bondage of relationships that might otherwise keep us in torment at the thought of leaving. How hard would it have been for a close-knit family to float their elderly relatives away in a wave of ice floes if they were still functioning, connected, albeit older people.

What if loss of memory helps reshape our experience in the world, softening the blows, putting into perspective those things that are important while shunting aside the superfluous, minor, painful memories. 

What if the repetition we experience in story telling as we get older is the natural pattern in a society of oral history story tellers? It would be natural for the oldest and perhaps the wisest to tell and retell their version of history to reinforce lessons learned. 

I am thinking of my ninety-four-year-old father as I ponder these thoughts. Throughout my childhood, he lamented his own upbringing, telling us stories of growing up in a hand-built garage turned house on a two-acre farm in rural Ohio. His father—my grandfather—thought nothing of trading anything he could get his hands on including dogs, horses, and once my father’s new Schwinn bike with raccoon tails on the handlebars. His father was taciturn, quiet, angry, short-tempered, unrelenting, averse to art and idleness as well as wasting money on movies or frivolous endeavors. It was left to my father to entertain his mother, to see that she had company on shopping trips and movie outings. He felt his father neglected his mother terribly, never thinking of her happiness or comfort. Now, however, my father gushes over the beauty and simplicity of his childhood, lauds his father for his craftiness; praises his mother and his parents for giving him the perfect environment in which to grow and prosper. It seems he has forgotten his earlier grim stories, a fact I would never bring up and one for which I am extremely thankful.

What if this final letting go of the past facilitates the ease of transition from one plane of existence to another. What if what we see as illness and disease is simply nature paving our way to the next chapter.

Memories of long, long ago.

Lalalalalalalalala

Like many people, I’ve grown weary of politics and polls and election coverage, debates and arguments over age and senility and court cases out the wazoo. It feels like we’ve been smothered by non-stop political drama for years with no respite and I’m convinced there is no end in sight. Given the current political climate of divisiveness, no matter what happens in November, protestations and appeals will bleed into 2025 and 2026 and on and on until something drastic happens that will either pull us all back together or blow us all off the face of the planet. 

Depending on which channel you tune into, we are facing prospects of civil war, World War 3, or mass ascension to a 5D new Earth. I have yet to see or hear a prediction that suggests that the drama will blow over, the economy will settle, the church and the state will find themselves in their own lanes, and truth, justice, and the American way will once again prevail. We used to know precisely what that last phrase meant: telling lies got you in trouble; if you broke the law, there were consequences; and all men were created equal with the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. 

In know, I know. That’s all a bunch of naïve claptrap. If we pick it apart and everyone has the right to their own subjective opinion on what each and every word means, and has their own god given right to stretch the truth or, for better or worse, create their own alternative truth based on alternative facts, then we can all exist in our own little bubble worlds of self righteous indignation f/k/a bliss. 

Today, I am employing my own defense against the crazy. It’s simple:  I will paint and read and exercise and nap, sit by the window with a cup of tea and watch the rain, and I will pet my cats, all 12 of them. And if anything invades my comfy cave, I’ll simply put my fingers in my ears and lalalalalalalala it all away. Try it! I’m sure you could use a break. 

Bongo, one of my favorite therapists.

Happy Presidents Day!

Is it just me or does Presidents Day feel more auspicious than usual? Maybe it’s because this is an election year. Maybe it’s because we are yearning for the seeming stability of the presidents we idolized in grade school. Or maybe it’s because we are all inundated with breaking political news every five seconds and the media’s obsession with comparing and contrasting every flub and foible uttered by the presumptive candidates. For me, it’s safer for my sanity to just read the highlights of the day, preferably from Letters from an American, and go about my day in my comfy cave minding my own business.

I’m happy though, that we still remember and memorialize George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Frankly, I’m happy that we remember any history at all given the environment of persecution and denial we live in. I have fond memories of learning about our forefathers, memorizing the old tropes of reading by candlelight and walking miles to return a borrowed book. Reading under the covers by flashlight after lights out seemed acceptable to my young mind. Lincoln’s dedication to learning made it okay for me to read A Wrinkle in Time for the tenth time after midnight. George Washington, on the other hand, while a great president, was a wish-washy role model. In fact, I held a grudge against George  between the ages of six and eight. Telling the truth was an admirable quality but chopping down that cherry tree in the first place was unforgivable. 

Two houses down from us lived the Thompsons, an older couple with no kids. Their backyard and ours, as well as several yards in both directions from our back door, were connected by a field of grass, wild flowers, and clover. Smack in the middle of the Thompsons’ yard was a huge cherry tree redolent of blossoms in the spring and heavy with fruit through the summer. That tree was also smack in the middle of my run to my best friend’s house two doors down from the Thompsons. One day on my way to Paige’s house, Mr Thompson caught me gazing up at the ripening cherries and made me a friendly offer. I could eat all of the cherries that fell from the tree if I promised not to climb it. I quickly agreed and kept my promise. At every opportunity, I gorged on the abundance of cherries that fell from the tree.

I loved that cherry tree in all its glory, festooned in blossoms, green leaves, or snow covered limbs but summertime, despite the risk of stepping on honey bees with my bare feet, was the best. Two summers later, my parents had built a house and we were moving. I walked around to the backyard, heading out to say goodbye to Mr Thompson. From the edge of our yard, I watched as he carefully shook each lower branch of the cherry tree, dropping the ripe cherries to the ground. For me, I realized. That’s why there were always so many!

That George Washington, the father of our country would have the audacity to chop down something so beautiful as a cherry tree felt traitorous to me, to my love for the cherries, to the tree, and I think to Mr Thompson and his generous spirit. To my great relief, I later learned that the story was fabricated, like so many stories we hear today in an attempt to laud or defame. 

We need truth to keep us on course and we need leaders who in their humble humanity challenge and inspire us to be better and to do better. We need men like Lincoln and Washington to remind us where we come from and how far we have come. 

Life Changes—and Everything Stays the Same

How long can a caterpillar live in its chrysalis? How long can a bear hibernate? How long can a cave dweller hide from the world before the natural laws of nature kick in and force us out into the bright light of day? Change happens and if we’re lucky, growth happens, evolution happens, life happens and we learn to adapt to our new surroundings.

I haven’t written since 2020 or talked about the pandemic. I felt the world’s pain and frustration but my family was lucky. We made it through the pandemic years unscathed, healthy, safe and sound. My life wasn’t significantly different when the world shut down. My husband continued to work and shop (I hate to shop!) I stayed home (nothing different there) and continued to struggle with my weight, dealing with it through diet and exercise, getting fit and then falling into deprivation mentality and eating whatever the hell I wanted. But in 2023, a daunting birthday was looming and I was determined to go into my 70s strong and resilient, flexible and fit.

To celebrate my birthday in September, my daughter and I spent a week in New Mexico, revisiting old haunts and luxuriating in the mineral waters of Ojo Caliente. It was fabulous! I felt renewed, refreshed, reinvigorated. I came home and burrowed into my comfy cave where I stayed until January, not writing, not painting, just being.

January 2024 began full of hope and wonder.

On January 3, we lost Max, our beautiful six-year-old golden retriever to cancer. It happened so fast! At four o’clock, he was a happy, bouncing, cat-chasing, healthy dog. At six, he refused his dinner, turning his head and ignoring both me and his bowl. I stayed close to him, slept on the couch next to him as he stretched out on the floor, my hand on his back, feeling for changes in his breath or heartbeat. By the next morning, he could barely walk. The vet at the animal hospital diagnosed a ruptured tumor. Max was bleeding internally. His X-rays showed multiple tumors, indicators of cancer. We had to let him go.

One week after Max, still reeling from the loss, I felt a cold coming on. Two weeks after Max, I found myself at the ER diagnosed with COVID. I’d missed the five day window for treatment—every day I’d told myself, “I’ll feel better tomorrow,” and every day I’d felt worse. A month later, I still feel weak and listless but the cough is gone and I can breathe comfortably again. 

So, my big plan to go into a new era of my life and a new year full of opportunity fell by the wayside as I struggled physically and emotionally just to stay alive. I am surviving day by day, which is an improvement from the dark days of surviving minute by minute. I remember giving up, surrendering to the illness, surrendering to whatever comes next. But I’m still here. 

My life is changing. I’ve stopped watching the news. I’ve rearranged my office and expanded my attic studio. I’m creating a space for me, the expansive, evolutionary me that I am becoming. I’ve decided if I’m going to live in the present minute by minute, day by day, then I will use those minutes and days to create the life that I am dreaming, the me that is a writer and a painter and a woman who is all she wants to be. I know I’ve said this all before but this time it must be different. Life changes—and everything stays the same, but different this time.

Happy February 2024!

Maximus Sayre

Dreams or Life Lessons?

While my daily life has taken a quiet turn, my dream life has intensified of late. I dream of my brothers with an overlay of long gone relatives, aunts and uncles, and a shimmer of my grandmother standing on the sidelines watching. My dreams are colorful, intense, and vivid enough to follow me through the day. 

Last night I dreamed of a boy. His name was Suluman. 

Suluman was a dark-haired, dark-skinned, dark-eyed little boy of about ten, small in body but with a vibrant radiance. Suluman was shy yet mischievous and seemed to be constantly in trouble at school. His teacher often kept Suluman after class where she felt it was her right and her duty to slap and hit him, to malign his behavior, his family, and his intelligence, all in an effort to make him better. Suluman suffered this treatment in silence. 

The teacher, who prided herself on her civic responsibility, was involved with a group of women who worked to rescue orphaned or compromised children. They had heard of a child who was in dire straits, a boy who was beaten and mistreated, starved and maligned, a child hunted and terrorized. The teacher would attack poor Suluman and then run breathless from the school to aid in the search for the boy. 

Suluman showed up at my house to play with my children. His face was swollen and bruised and although his demeanor was that of a happy little boy, I could see the pain in his eyes. “She hits me for no reason,” he said. “I don’t do anything wrong, I promise!”

I confronted his teacher (in that no time lapse way of dreams) and she admitted that she often had to correct the boy, punish him for this misdeed or that. “He’s lucky,” she said. “He thinks he has problems but you should hear about this other boy I’m trying to save. He’s beaten, starved, hunted and terrorized. We must save him!”

“Who is this child you’re searching for?” I asked.

“We don’t know where he is or how to find him, but his name is Suluman.”

Suluman. 

I put my hand on Suluman’s thin shoulder. “This is Suluman,” I said. 

I woke up with Suluman’s little face in my mind, thinking about the teacher, the boy, and the search for someone to save. I’m not sure how to interpret my dream but it seems important to understand how we can look for salvation far beyond ourselves while ignoring what’s right under our noses. 

“Don’t ignore your dreams, in them your soul is awake and you are your true self.”       

           Bangambiki Habyarimana (Pearls of Eternity)

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Holding tight to a secret: a late blooming sunflower from my back garden.

Winter is Here (Still)

 

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Yesterday was a mish-mash of relaxed urgency for a Sunday, reading the paper and then running to Costco to remedy a billing debacle, and the excited hurry-up-and-wait drama of the return of Games of Thrones. By 9:00, I was ready to retreat to my cave and just watch all the reunion-y goodness and the requisite badness of GOT. Personally, I think it was worth the wait.

In keeping with the GOT winter theme in my little cave, it’s snowing here in Ohio this morning. After several days of temps in the 60s and 70s, the budding tulips and fragile spring flowers are getting one more soft white blanket. One can only hope that it won’t last long and is not a harbinger of still more winter to come–or the coming of the Knight’s King (according to GRRM) which would not surprise me in the least.

On to other things: Chapter 3 in the saga of George Fairweather. I hope you’ll let me know what you think.

Chapter 3

George was happy to discover that William would be spending the entire summer with her great-aunt Harriett over on Wilbersham Terrace, just a hop, skip, and a jump from George’s own front porch. It took no time at all for the girls to work out a routine of reading, laughing, and playing during their long warm days of summer. George’s mother soon grew accustomed to leaving a muffin and a cup of milk on the counter by the back door rather than scolding George for not eating a proper breakfast.

“No time!’ George would shout as she scooted out the back door. She would, however, take a moment to drink the milk and grab the muffin, more often than not stuffing it into her pocket to share with William which was better than nothing, her mother figured. She often didn’t see her daughter again until just before dark when George would come running through the back door, skidding across the linoleum to beat her curfew.

“The light on Maple just blinked on!” she’d announce breathless, having run all the way from William’s.

“Wash your hands…” Rita began,

“…and your face and tidy up,” George finished for her. “I know, I know. I’m a mess.”

Wash up finished, George would sit with her mother for an early supper, usually a light meal of tuna sandwiches or a casserole and peas.

“Anything interesting happening in the village?” her mother would always inquire.

“Not really,” was the standard answer, although George could be counted on to dish the details if anything at all was going on.

“Did you hear about Mrs. Crawford’s tumble down the stairs?” George asked. “She had a doctor’s appointment and was supposed to meet her sister Ruth at the curb for a ride. When she didn’t come out, Ruth went in and found poor Mrs. Crawford all in a jumble at the foot of the stairs, knocked out cold—or so she said.”

“Who said?” her mother asked, daintily picking at her food.

“Mrs. Crawford’s sister Ruth.” George stopped eating her sandwich and looked directly at her mother. “I’ve heard her yell at Mrs. Crawford in the grocery, telling her to hurry up, nudging her sharply. I wouldn’t be surprised if she batted her sister over the head and knocked her out just to make the story more interesting. I’ll bet Mrs. Crawford had simply fallen and was probably calling for help.”

Rita sighed loudly. “Now, sweetheart, there’s no need to elaborate on the facts. A tumble down the stairs at Mrs. Crawford’s age could very well have knocked her unconscious. I doubt very much if her sister would do something as mean as hitting her sister after such an event. Where do you get such outlandish ideas?”

George gazed off into the distance, thinking. “I don’t know,” she replied. “Maybe too much television.”

“Then I suppose we should put a limit on how much you watch. Or maybe just stick to uplifting programs.”

Rita doubted television made much of an impact on her daughter. As a family they rarely watched TV, all three, mother, father, and daughter, preferring books to television, especially her daughter who since she’d learned to read at the age of three, was determined to read into the wee hours of the morning. Turning out the bedroom light and going to sleep had long since been a battle Rita had rarely won. Her daughter preferred to go to school happily sleepy rather than go to sleep not knowing how a story ended. Rita understood and only very rarely enforced the midnight lights out rule. She herself could stay up reading until dawn and with only an occasional yawn or two, make it all the way through the day and into evening. Reading through to the end of a book was a happy thrill only superseded by the thrill of beginning a new one. So, Rita and her daughter were constantly in a state of happy satisfaction or even happier anticipation.

Unless, of course, the book they were reading was a real stinker which happened now and again. When that was the case, there was no happiness to be found in the Wilson household for everyone knew it from the grumbles and sighs and angry exhortations that bounced through the house at all hours.

“You really must enforce the lights out rule,” Howard often said to Rita. “I don’t know that I can stand night after night of this.” This being the groans and shouts coming from their daughter’s room. Rita empathized with her husband but unerringly knew that once the book was finished—and most likely buried in the back yard or burned in the trash heap—her daughter would find another to take its place and all would be right with the world again. Perhaps. Hopefully.

Summertime was a wonderful spate of solace in the Wilson household as Howard worked long hours, coming home long after dark, and Rita spent most of her day lounging in the back yard, contemplating weeding the flowers and/or planting a vegetable garden. Yard work was always on her to do list but somehow never managed to bubble to the top, languishing idly at the bottom waiting for Rita to feel inspired which she almost never did. She’d bought a houseplant once and set it on the front porch to catch the light and a little air. The spindly carcass of the plant was ultimately tossed out with the rubbish, pot and all, as Rita had forgotten about it once she’d set it outside. Forgetfulness seemed to be a Wilson family trait, although they were all meticulously punctual about returning library books. They might forget to eat or buy tea or turn the wash into the dryer, but they always always always returned their library books on time if not before they were due.

Mrs. Paschal, the head librarian at the main library, believed it was so they could call in library favors such as being the first on the list when an anxiously awaited book was due from the publishers. Or an extra five minutes to select a book right at closing time when everyone had been shooed out and poor Mrs. Paschal stood waiting to lock the doors. She always obliged mostly because the Wilsons were such nice friendly people but always with a mind to the knowledge that they had never in all the years she’d known them returned a book after its due date. Nor would they ever. “It would have to be a matter of life and death, I do believe,” Mrs Paschal said to Merry Beecham one afternoon when the Wilson child came scurrying in just before closing time to return a stack of books as tall as she.

“My mother’s, mine, and the one on the bottom is my father’s,” the child said brightly. “I’ll be quick,” she’d said as she lit off to the young adult section to make her selection. Merry Beecham had to agree. “I’m quite sure nothing could keep them away.”

 

Now here she stood, that same child now a grown woman, at the counter of the genealogical wing of the Windham Library in Sussex County asking for assistance in locating George Fairweather.

“I’ve traced the name to here,” George explained, “to the county seat. It seems Mr. Fairweather was a man of some prominence—or perhaps it was his family. I’m not sure. I only know that the records have led me here to Sussex County and I was wondering…”

“If we have any information, a book, microfiche perhaps, that will help you in your search.” The librarian on the other side of the counter gave George a whimsical look and then smiled. “That’s what we do here, Miss. Genealogy. We help people find their ancestors.”

George smiled shyly, her face turning pink. “Well, of course. That’s why I’m here,” she admitted.

“Now, what was the family name? Fairweather you said?” The librarian’s face seemed open and kind but her eyes were lasers of intensity. George felt exposed somehow, under the woman’s gaze.

“Yes, George Fairweather.”

“Let me check,” the librarian said turning away, her fingers fairly flying over the keyboard in front of her. “Well, it seems you’re in luck,” she announced almost instantly. “There are quite a few references for the name Fairweather as well as several for George Fairweather in particular. Give me just a moment and I’ll print them for you.”

Walking to the printer on the desk behind the counter, the librarian explained the information she was about to give George. “Each entry will have a reference number with title, page, and date published. Several of our volumes are under lock and key so it will be necessary for you to fill out a form requesting that the volumes be pulled for you to review. I can take care of that for you with a little more information.”

The librarian handed George the paper she’d torn from the printer which was quite a bit longer than George had expected.

“Looks like you have your work cut out for you,” the young woman said with a grin. “The volumes marked with an asterisk are in the private collection. I’ll give you a minute to peruse the list and then let me know if you’d like to make an appointment to review them.”

George stood with the list in hand, immediately struck by the smallness of the print and the number of entries cascading down the page. It might take weeks to get through each and every reference. Perhaps she had not allotted enough time for her research after all.

“You may find a seat in the alcove if you’d like,” the librarian suggested. “There are tables and chairs and a desk or two if you’d prefer.”

George stepped in that direction, just to the right of the reference counter and into the path of a dark haired young woman standing behind her waiting in line.

“I’m sorry,” George said as she relinquished her spot in front of the counter. Turning back to the librarian George offered a quick thank you.

“No problem,” the librarian said, focusing her intense gaze on her next customer.

 

George stepped up to the counter once more, laying out the printout with the references for the librarian to see.

“I’ve highlighted the volumes I’d like to review,” she said. “I’m not sure they’re all necessary but I want to at least look through them while I’m here.”

The librarian looked at the clock behind her. “We’ll be closing in twenty minutes. If you’d like to leave the list, perhaps I could pull the volumes and have them ready for you tomorrow. I can reserve a carol in your name or a private study if you’d like.”

George glanced at her own watch. “I thought the library closed at seven.”

“Except on Wednesdays,” the librarian said. “We close at four on Wednesdays.”

“Then I’d like to leave the list if you don’t mind. Or perhaps make a copy?”

The librarian picked up George’s list and walked to the copier that boasted a sign reading, “10 cents per copy.” George dug in her pocket for a dime but was waved away when the librarian returned. “This is for me,” the librarian said handing back George’s list. “No charge for you.”

George smiled. “Thanks. What time do you open tomorrow?”

“Nine on Thursdays. I get in about eight so I’ll pull the volumes you’ve selected and look around for anything else I think might be of help to you.”

“That’s very kind of you,” George said.

“No problem,” the librarian smiled. “Now, let me get your name so I can reserve a private study.”

George hesitated, suddenly—and for the first time—felt flustered about giving her name. “George,” she said tentatively. “George Fairweather.”

The librarian looked up sharply in surprise. “Really?”

“Really,” George replied.

“George F.,” the librarian wrote on her schedule, marking an “x” on study 301 on a seating chart. “I’ll see you tomorrow, George.”

“Yes, and thank you,” George said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

George turned to walk away but decided to ask one last question. “May I have your name?” she asked, “so I know who to ask for in the morning.”

“I’ll be the only one here in the morning,” the librarian demurred.

George nodded and turned away.

“But I’ll tell you my name anyway,” the librarian continued. “My name is Michael. Michael Everest.”

George smiled and kept on walking jauntily all the way back to the inn.

(to be continued)

 

 

It’s My Turn!

create space

 

I’ve been working on a new novel, The Tunnel, that I hope will be finalized and ready for publication within the next few weeks. But as most writers know, it’s often advantageous to step away from the book after it’s been sent off for editing and review, to refrain from tweaking and rewriting. (It’s also fun to play around with images for the book’s cover, hence the photo above, a shot of Coos Bay, OR.) So, in the spirit of respite from Cassandra Benniver and Fenrick Banta and their ensuing complications, I’ve been working on another story. Or, I should more truthfully say, a story has been working on me.

While in the throes of writing, it’s not unusual for a character to whisper in my ear. It’s also not unusual for a character to wake me from a sound sleep, shouting for me to, “Get up and write my story!” Such is the case of George Fairweather, a character who has become a frequent companion over the past few months.

In order to placate my own sense of wasting-away-with-nothing-to-do while I wait for reviews, and to silence this character’s pleas of, “It’s my turn!” I have decided to open the door of my comfy cave and introduce you to George Fairweather.

As of this morning, this story has no title. I don’t know if this is a short story, a novella, a full-blown novel, or just a ramble inside my head. In any case, I intend to release snippets of George’s story over the coming weeks.

Prologue

Her name was Martha. Martha’s name was Martha only because her grandmother’s name was Martha. There was no standing beside the bassinet, her parents lovingly looking for clues as to the name of their sweetest darling daughter. There was no debate, no decision, really. No, it was decided that Martha’s name would be Martha long before her conception, long before her parents’ marriage, in fact, long before Howard had ever laid eyes on Rita.

Howard’s mother’s name was Martha, the perfect name, the most lovely of names, and Howard had decided that should God ever bless him with a baby girl, he would name her after his mother. So Martha was Martha, although she never felt her name fit her exactly. Long, flexible limbs and an agile personality were not the traits of a stodgy, old fashioned name like Martha in Martha’s mind. But there was no going back, no do-overs, no change-ups. Her name was Martha and that was that.

Until Martha became George, that is.

Out of respect, she’d waited for the death of both of her parents before deciding to legally change her name. And while she was at it, and just for kicks more than anything else, or so she told herself in unguarded moments, Martha Wilson became George Fairweather, for if Martha was anything at all she was the utter definition of a fair weather friend.

George Fairweather was born on August 28 at four fifteen in the afternoon. Or so says the blue clerk’s stamp beside the judge’s signature at the bottom of the document making it so. The original petition and the final order are forever married in a blue folder kept in the top right hand sock drawer of George’s bureau. Even now, after so many years, it’s still wedged in among wool knee highs and dress silks, white tubes and gray athletics, socks for any occasion George likes to think, although most are brand new and just for show. Just like the rows of dark suits and starched white shirts that crowd her closet. And the brown and black leather shoes lined up like soldiers ready for battle. Someday, they whisper. Someday, we’ll march out the door and down the street. Someday. (The socks know better, however. Never, they whisper back. And the suits agree.) But George was born long before the ink dried on vellum, long before the years of waiting finally came to a close, even before Howard and Rita made the exciting announcement to family and friends that they were, happily, having a baby girl. The spark of George existed. The how and when of it seemed inconsequential. The embodiment of George Fairweather was an undeniable fact and one that Martha relished.

“What if I’d been born in a small town?” George often asked herself, usually on Sunday afternoons as she sat on her patio and watched the seagulls fly in circles above the ocean. “What if everyone knew me, knew my parents, knew my likes and dislikes? What if I’d had to start over from scratch and everyone knew every detail of my business? Hell, oh hell, oh hell!” she lamented often. Although she’d never had to start over or hide from her neighbors or be afraid she’d run into someone who knew Martha or her mother or father. Her neighbors came and went with regularity, always a new face, a new name to remember. But George never remembered the face or the name. On the rare occasions that she met someone in the hallway, opening or closing a door, George merely sighed and hurried out, down the hallway, down the stairs, out the door, and gone. She scattered her visits to lunch counters and diners all around town, making a game of finding new and exciting places to eat where she didn’t recognize a single face. If a waitress fixed her with an eye of recognition, she was out the door like a shot, settling into the back booth of a new burger place a block or two or three away where she was sure that no one knew her name.

Martha’s life had been a piece of cake; George’s life was pie all the way.

Chapter 1

“So, let me get this straight,” the interviewer said again. That seemed to be her favorite phrase, let me get this straight, as though the words and thoughts expressed had somehow formed a crooked line that she couldn’t quite follow.

“Yes?” George said, waiting. “What is it you don’t quite understand?”

“You legally changed your name to George. From Martha to George, not with the Washingtons in mind, I suppose.”

George winced at the blonde giggle that followed.

“Not at all,” George replied.

“And you represent yourself in public as a woman.”

“I am a woman,” George confirmed.

“And you don’t consider yourself transgender. You don’t think of yourself as a man trapped in a woman’s body.” Another blonde giggle.

“No,” George replied with a sigh. Here we go again.

“Then why change your name? Why go to all the trouble and expense of petitioning the court to legally change your name? Why all the fuss and bother?”

George blinked. And blinked again. “I never thought of changing my name as fuss and bother. It was no trouble at all and the expense was actually quite minimal. Four hundred dollars, actually. I don’t consider that an exorbitant expense to legally change one’s name.”

“But why bother?” the interviewer asked. “If there is no medical or psychological reason to change your name, why not just remain Martha? Why did you feel the need to become George Fairweather?”

“Because that’s who I am,” George said. “I am George Fairweather. For as long as I can remember, from the point just prior to my conception and for eons before, I have known myself to be George Fairweather.”

“But how can you know that? How can you possibly know that you are who you think you are? Or better yet…”

That thought, whatever it was, ended mid-sentence.

The interviewer’s blank stare startled George.

“Are you okay?” she asked. Looking around, George waved to the director, to the camera man, to the people standing just off camera for help. “I believe she needs assistance,” George said quietly.

George had seen this reaction before, this catatonic stare, the dead eyes of people thrust into a moment of realization. Not quite an epiphany, not quite an awakening, more like a blunt whack on the head, when understanding descended there seemed to be a short in the circuitry, a moment of paralysis, and an irrevocable shift in perception.

“Oh,” the interviewer mumbled. “I think I understand.”

George stood up and removed the microphone from the neck of her sweater, looping the wire around her fingers before handing it to the set coordinator who’d come onstage.

“She’ll be fine,” George said to no one in particular. “A cup of tea and she’ll be good as new.”

George blanched at her own lie, fumbled with her purse, and moved through the burgeoning crowd to the exit at the back of the studio.

“Thank you,” George whispered to the man at the door, a young boy manning the exit, maintaining security during the interview. “I’ve had a lovely time.”

 

The interview would never make it to the six o’clock news. Or the eleven o’clock news for which it was intended. “It was a stretch anyway,” the news director decided. “So a woman changed her name? What’s the big deal?” which was precisely what George was thinking when she’d been contacted. “What’s the big deal?” she’d asked. “Women have been named traditional men’s names forever. Michael, David, Riley, Morgan, and I’m sure there’s a George in there somewhere. Yes, women use masculine pen names, alter egos, camouflage. And yes, this is different. I don’t have an agenda. There’s no rhyme or reason other than that I know for a fact that I am George, George Fairweather to be exact.”

Perhaps it was the knowing part that had intrigued the reporter. Perhaps it was the lurking hidden story that had seemed strange and unusual. For George, there was no part of her story that was strange or unusual or campy or funny or outside the realm of normal. George felt blessed to have been born with such a strong understanding of who she was. She’d never had a moment of floundering uncertainty about her identity, her name, her place in the world. Only respect for her parents had kept her from becoming George Fairweather much earlier in her life. Her parents, her rigidly religious, non-spiritual, closed-minded parents would have been appalled to hear that sweet little Martha longed to be called George. It would have broken their hearts and that is one thing George would not consider. For all their right-minded, wrong-headed intentions, George loved her parents deeply and unashamedly. She would no more inflict on them her own beliefs than burn their house to the ground. George was patient and kind and considerate of her parents, of everyone in general, and so she had waited until she felt the freedom from their watchful eyes.

George’s lawyer, a thoughtful and competent man in his sixties, filed two petitions following the death of George’s parents by misadventure. [Her father had never been a great driver but over the years, his reflexes had diminished to the point where George refused to ride with him even on short trips to the local grocery.]

“There’s no real need to wait,” Mr. Cumberson had explained to George. “The coroner’s preliminary report is in. Your father simply ran off the road albeit at a very unfortunate turn. At this point, we can begin the probate of your parents’ estate and file for your name change simultaneously, get all of the paperwork out of the way at once.”

Both would be simple processes with all the records in order. As sole beneficiary, everything in her parents’ estate came to George who promptly sold the house, the cars, the jewelry, the furniture, and donated everything else to charity. George discarded everything that held an attachment to Martha right down to the tiny baby socks her mother had knitted so long ago. The only item George kept was a quilt made by her great grandmother. This she spread on her own bed each night, sleeping under the comfort of her own personal piece of history.

(to be continued)